Archive for the 'relationships' Category


Interracial Dating – It’s tough to be Asian

Earlier this month there was a study published written by Columbia Business School professor Ray Fisman on theories of dating or choice-making based on data collected from speed-dating experiments in Chicago. Part of the study looked at interracial dating preferences. As you may know I have a major interest in this area. Looking through some articles and the Fisman study there are upsides and downsides.

I guess the good news for some would be that people generally choose to marry within their own race. It is perceived widely in Asian American culture that Asian women increasingly tend to outmarry. I think this study does offer some practical and logical insight. For starters, the study notes that Asian women exhibit a strong same race preference than their male counterparts. There is no evidence of the stereotype of a White male preference. But throw in that attractiveness factor and Asian men fall last.

“For male partners, our main finding is that Asians generally receive lower ratings than men of other races. In fact, when we run the regressions separately for each race, we find that even Asian women find white, black, and Hispanic men to be more attractive than Asian men. “

Ouch. That hurts a bit.

If the controlling factor is preference based on attractiveness…then Asian men are the least desirable. If you’re a good looking Asian dude. . . you’re to be envied.

However, the bias runs both ways…
female Asian partners are consistently rated as less attractive, though we also find that black females receive significantly lower ratings relative to whites. As above, we find that when these regressions are run separately for each race, even Asian men find white, black, and Hispanic women to be more attractive than Asian women.

Asians received low marks on attractiveness from all races including Asians themselves.
For a long time many Asian men and bloggers have wondered why it appears that more Asian women out-marry. Is it really true? Does this study prove that there is a preference or none at all?

One conclusion about preference that the study demonstrates is simply this, who you spend the most time with you end up choosing. Our choices are really more rational than anything. Lawyers with lawyers. Doctors with doctors. These are the people you meet on a daily basis and spend the most time around. Perhaps the factors are more geographic/social integration rather than specific racial preferences. What choices do you have? This tendency goes for race and religion as well. The bloggers at Poplicks summarizes these findings well.

The full study can be downloaded here in pdf form.
Other research by OSU’s Zhenchao Qian [pdf download]. Article by Ray Fisman, An Economist Goes to the Bar, and solves the mysteries of dating

This reminds me of a story from pioneering pastor David Gibbons of NewSong who’s a Korean-White mix. He attended Bob Jones University south of the Mason-Dixon line at a time where he was one of a handful of Asian faces. He had to indicate what race he would date and so Dave thought his chances were higher if he would check off White. This was a very practical and logical decision not because he had a preference for White women. BJU didn’t look too favorably upon this but how could Gibbons decide? If you’ve seen David Gibbons in person, he don’t look very mixed at all. He looks very Korean.

Sorry Dave if I butchered your story. I love you man.
The school only lifted its ban on interracial dating in 2000.
So is it tough to be Asian? or not?


Daddy Survey

wanna be a better dad? i know i do.
my boy tony, creator of the healthcare blog, needs your help to help superdads everywhere with savvy daddy. first he’s trying to get as many dads as possible to take this 10min web survey. so check out the link below and pass it along to savvy daddies like you.

or go directly to the survey here

need incentive? ok, one lucky dad will win $200 in American Express Gift Cheques (or if you choose, savvy daddy will donate the $200 to your selected charity). plus, you’ll be helping them figure out how to create something that’ll be useful and fun for you.


Racism on the Decline Evidenced by Rise in Interracial Marriages

Interracial Marriage Interracial Marriage Interracial Marriage

Here’s a tidbit from Paul Krugman, author of the new book, The Conscience of a Liberal, citing that we are becoming less white and less racist evidenced by our rising acceptance of interracial marriages

Beyond the blunt, crude fact that America is getting less white, there’s a more uplifting reason to believe that the political exploitation of race may be losing its force: As a nation we’ve become much less racist. The most dramatic evidence of diminishing racism is the way people respond to questions about a subject that once struck terror into white hearts: miscegenation.

In 1978, as the ascent of movement conservatism to power was just beginning, only 36 percent of Americans polled by Gallup approved of marriages between whites and blacks, while 54 percent disapproved. As late as 1991 only a plurality of 48 percent approved. By 2002, however, 65 percent of Americans approved of interracial marriages; by June 2007, that was up to 77 percent.

Is racism actually declining?
Perhaps a little.
But the system is still broke. Especially when you see life through non-White eyes.

Also See:
• How a New Generation Navigates Through Interracial Marriage from New American Media
Cornell Research Examines Interracial Marriage amongst Blacks
Recent Gallup Poll

Interracial Relationships: UK “Asians” More Likely Intolerant and Racist


marriage and housework

i think this research is a bit off but a recent study highlights that co-habitant partners divide up housework more evenly than married couples do (essentially saying that husbands do less housework than their wives) even if they share an egalitarian (where women and men are equal) p.o.v.

men housework

the article doesn’t share much information about their conclusions so i don’t think it’s an entirely fair or accurate assessment even though more husbands can probably do more housework. but it grieves me a bit because this news just makes marriage appear less honorable and even less of an option to a much contemptuous society.
is marriage about equality?
there are men who do more housework than women. they’re out there. right?
i do housework because i’m slightly OCD. seriously. i must have a clean bathroom and bedroom.
ok i just need order. and clean.
do i need to start a new facebook group on husbands that do housework?

The age-old stereotype that women do more housework than men has gotten more credibility with a George Mason University study co-written by sociologist Shannon Davis.

The study of more than 17,000 people in 28 countries found that married men report doing less housework than men who are live-in boyfriends. This study was recently published in the Journal of Family Issues by Davis and co-authors Theodore Greenstein and Jennifer Gerteisen Marks of North Carolina State University.

According to Davis, the key finding of the study is that it suggests the institution of marriage changes the division of labor. Couples with an egalitarian view on gender—seeing men and women as equal—are more likely to divide the household chores equally. However, in married relationships, even if an egalitarian viewpoint is present, men still report doing less housework than their wives.

Marriage as an institution seems to have a traditionalizing effect on couples—even couples who see men and women as equal,” says Davis. While the researchers did not follow cohabitating couples over time to see if their division of housework changed after marriage, their study provides a “snapshot” in time of couples all over the world.

“Our research suggests that couples across many countries are influenced by similar factors when deciding how to divide the housework,” she says. “It’s the way the society has defined what being married means, the institution itself, that affects behavior.”

do women really do more work than men? [link: timesonline]

here’s some slightly positive news from a WSJ article in 2005?

A new study proves for the first time that men actually do a bigger share of household chores than their wives admit. Shedding new light on the decades-old battle between men and women over housework, the study of 265 married couples with children, published this month in the Journal of Marriage and Family, shows that wives estimate, when asked, that their husbands do 33% of the housework. But when researchers tracked men’s actual housework time, they found husbands were shouldering 39% of the chore load.

c’mon guys. housework and sex are related don’t you know?
Newsweek article on “The Married Male Mind”

So housecleaning and happiness are related?
In writing the book, I kept seeing the parallel between housework and sex in the interviews. Men said the happier their wives were in the division of housework, the happier the men were with their sex lives. We even looked at the numbers and found that there’s more sex in the relationship if the wife is happy with the division of housework. It doesn’t have to be exactly equal, the wife just has to think it’s fair. When a woman comes in she notices if it’s a mess, it’s often socialized in [her] that [she is] more responsible for the look of the home So if he can recognize that by doing a fair share, then he is often rewarded with sex. She’s not as angry, or burdened and she’s not as tired.


Interracial Relationships: UK “Asians” more likely intolerant and racist

Interracial MarriageThe UK might start to believe that Asians are more racist and intolerant because of this article. The article cites that half of British Asians say according to a survey by ICM for the BBC Asian Network found that more than half of young Asians would not consider dating a black person. Additionally, almost half believe that homosexuality is immoral while just 8% of White Brits do.

Link to Asians Less Likely to Marry Out

Natuarlly, the article caught my eye as an Asian American then reading on and I found that when they say “Asian”, they mean people identifying themselves as Indian, Pakistani, Bangladeshi or Sri Lankan. This is so misleading when we read a headline like that here in America – like my title for this post. It’s a little skewed.

I didn’t realize that Brits consider Chinese, Japanese, Korean, etc. to be East Asian. There I go again with my ethnocentricity. Does the UK categorization make things easier? Is it logical? A matter of timing? Or is it racist? How do they view Asians (in our sense of the categorization)?
Nevertheless, I wonder if the stats for East Asians are far off.

Stats between UK and US divided by gender
from Wiki and other sources.

According to 2005 stats, in the US:
– About 69 percent of married Asian women are married to Asian men, while 25 percent of married Asian women have white husbands.
– 7% of marriages of the 59 million married couples in 2005 were interracial, compared to less than 2 percent in 1970.
Still interracial marriages or relationships are on the rise with younger Asian Americans (2nd Gen) being most likely to marry out.

Read Asian-Nation on Interracial Dating and Marriage
Also found at IMDiversity

In a 2001 UK census, British Chinese women (30%) were twice as likely as their male counterparts (15%) to marry someone from a different ethnic group. Among British Asians (South Asians, not including Chinese), Pakistani and Bangladeshi males were twice as likely to to have an inter-ethnic marriage than their female counterparts, while Indian and “Other Asian” males were more likely to have an inter-ethnic marriage than their female counterparts by a smaller percentage.

Continue reading ‘Interracial Relationships: UK “Asians” more likely intolerant and racist’


there’s no out

the ten
i came upon this trailer for an upcoming film called the ten. hilarious concept. it’s a movie about our ability to find the loop holes in practically anything but particularly in this case the commandments, the Decalogue.
ten vignettes for each commandment. great cast too. don’t know how good the movie will be but a great idea nonetheless. what an interesting tagline too –

“If He’d meant the commandments literally, He’d have written them in stone.”

check out the trailer here
official site

i love some of the cheekiness of the story and that tagline.

this weekend i’m officiating the marriage union of my good friends
– web and lil soon to be hsu.
it’s my first…gasp!
my homily: with marriage there is no out. there is no exit strategy. you can’t be in one and try to live like you did before. you become something new. two becoming one is a mystery. the couple has chosen rev 21 to be read. what a beautiful picture of promise and fulfillment.

web is co-founder of lil used to be my local pharmacist.


Al Gore and His Chinese-American Son-in-Law

Gore Marriage
woo-hoo. is this newsworthy? is the focus about a celebrity wedding? or al gore? not really. pretty unremarkable although Gore has gained significant status making the cover story for this month’s fast company. he’s gained points in my book from since i was at apple.

as others cite, the only thing remarkable about this wedding is the fact that the groom is not what or who you’d expect to marry the former VP’s daughter.

an chinese-american dude and a famous white girl. i feel like we’re family. well kinda.
sorry if you don’t think this is big news but i’m much more sensitive to these kind of bi-racial marriages since i’m a statistic and as others note it’s pretty rare to see asian american dudes getting hitched in this way. afterall after the week i had, i think i needed this.

Sun Jul 15, 1:00 PM ET
Al Gore’s youngest daughter Sarah was married Saturday night at the Beverly Hills Hotel, according to a family spokeswoman.
Sarah Gore, 28, married Bill Lee, 36, a Los Angeles businessman, said spokeswoman Kalee Kreider.
Kreider declined to give any further details.
The daughter of the former vice president and Democratic presidential nominee is a Harvard graduate and a medical student at the University of California, San Francisco.
Sarah is the third of Al and Tipper Gore’s four children. Their oldest daughter, Karenna, 34, is married to Drew Schiff. Kristin Gore, 30, is married to Paul Cusack. Al Gore III, 24, is single and lives in Los Angeles.


The Asian American Male Identity [extended]

gosh i’m blogging a storm today just to make up for lost time.
here’s some more coverage on the event with yul kwon from other blogs:
an actual clip on the discussion on youtube

• read “the words of asian american men” posted here and also here
• also cited by next gener.asian church


The Asian American Male Identity

Asia Society
In wrapping up Asian Pacific American Heritage Month, The Asia Society held a discussion on Shattering the Stereotypes: The Asian American Male Identity featuring Yul Kwon (winner of Survivor Cook Islands), Aasif Mandvi (The Daily Show), and Jeff Yang (SF Pop Culture Columnist and author among other things). It went better than I expected plus I ran into my friend Won Kim of Adiversity, Inc.

On Image
I posted about Yul and Survivor during that season’s run and had become a Yul fan when he said that he was trying to play the game with as much integrity as possible. I was like, can that be done? and can an Asian American actually win? I was definitely interested in how the Asians would be portrayed on the show. It was neat for me to hear his perspective of how things really went down apart from the edited version viewers were exposed to. The images of AsiAms portrayed in media are more often than not disappointing. Apart from your stereotypical kungfu mavens (bruce lee) and zen masters (mr miyagi), they’re either too weak, insecure, small, geeky, uncool, oversexualized, asexual, maniacal and in the end they never win, they never get the girl. We never see strong leadership. It hits a nerve because it’s the worst of what we seen in ourselves. It’s what we don’t want to be or be seen as by those different than us and by that most likely meaning white skinned and cool – the people we go to school with. But I’m glad to say with Yul we do see something different. He’s what we want to be in many ways. Actually, according to him if the producers had let it most of the AsiAm team would have shown viewers a very different side of Asian American women (becky), men(yul) and sexuality (brad). We just want to be able to say we’re not what you think we are even if that’s what we look like or who we may be when we wake up and look in the mirror every morning.

On Men
Asian American male identity is a very complex thing. The question last night was not so much what is Asian American manhood but simply questioning the notion of what should a man be? there’s been a rise of books in the last few years especially in Christian circles (wild at heart by john eldridge) trying to rediscover that but I find them mostly incomplete and unsatisfying. I’m now interested in this topic more than ever as I try to raise my son to be one.

It’s such a critical question. I think it’s possible that Asian American males can begin leading the way to shape and redefine our notions of manhood, especially the part that often gets left out – the responsibility of manhood. Ingrained in our ethos is hollywood portrayals of the strong, dominant, heroic and fearless male image and now the more sensitive and romantic types (think Matthew McConaughey) even the trying to still live like your in college funny guys (Adam Sandler). These guys with their pretty faces can kick ass and get the girl but we never get to see them handle their business. That leads us to another question, can we get the girl? More bluntly, can we get white girls? If getting just a girl is the goal, getting a white or non-asian girl is like bonus points as if this were some sort of game. There are indications that AsiAm men are becoming more appealing being seen as the types that can bring home the bacon and even care about homelife. At the turn of the millenium Newsweek published an article on “Why Asian Men are on a Roll” (was that a pun?) and how they may just be the next trophy boyfriends…(how about husbands?) Another remark, “They are the fashion accessory of the moment for white women.” An accessory? C’mon now. I had fun with this article and congratulated my wife-then-girlfriend on her trendiness. Getting a date issues aside I do think Asian American men have the ability to integrate both the best of the east and the west and options of Man that have not been explored here.

On Mentors
The discussion ended with the topic of mentoring. For many of us who are Gen-X/Y, there’s a real dearth of mentors especially in a culture of elders that have not historically sought to reach out, down, and pull up. There’s no old boys club that we can draw from. We’re it. What will be the future of the Asian American male identity? We’re making it happen now for the generations after us. It’s on.
Asia Society


Pre-Marital Sex: Where Christians Get It Wrong

I just came across a great post and dialogue from More Than Fine. There’s some really good thoughts outlined and suggestions for what the church should do. For the most part I agree with the blogger especially in discussing how we as “Christians” deal with sexual sin individually and corporately. Yes, sexual sin is wrong. It’s just one of those sins that hurt the ones that commit it and other people them so subtly inwardly. It affects whole communities.

I think it’s true that in the church we may tend to scare and lay guilt upon our members even well-intentionally. We don’t talk about it honestly and with a sense of reality. We get squeamish around the subject especially in the pulpit.

My first few messages as the new pastor was on sex and marriage. Shortly following I received a phone call from a parent that didn’t feel comfortable with the subject matter and having to sit there with their teenage children through it all. I assure you that it was a tame message and I had even given the congregation fair warning for a month before diving into the subject. I considered the call a good sign. No news is bad news. But then again thats not saying anything about my preaching skills. My conscience is clear. All I can say is I try to be faithful to the word of God and depend on the Spirit. Good enough?

It’s one thing to preach/teach about it, but more importantly how do we restore/react to those trapped in sexual sin or that have outted themselves? Do we condemn? Do we have compassion? I know it’s not that simple but generally I’ll venture to suggest that we’re probably not doing a very good job at both ends. In the Chinese church there’s a great deal of guilt and shame. No one talks about this stuff. No one dares to “come out.” We’re very good at being all religious and looking like we’ve got our lives together – no need to bother anyone but internally everything is all twisted. There’s other people who’ve got “real” problems. Psychologically we’re so conflicted and even more so for ABCs who balance different worlds. Religion does not help us. I hear echoes of whitewashed tombs.

Where Muslims Get It Wrong
The most conservative of conservatives don’t fare much better when it comes to porn. Check out this article from the BBC.

Up to 70% of files exchanged between Saudi teenagers’ mobile phones contain pornography, according to a study in the ultra-conservative Muslim kingdom.

“The flash memory of mobile phones taken from teenagers showed 69.7% of 1,470 files saved in them were pornographic and 8.6% were related to violence,”

[american born chinese pastor]
seeks to be that third place for those who are american born chinese [abc] in ministry.
here we may explore issues unique to the chinese church and doing ministry in that context
expand the intersection of asian american culture and christian faith
or simply expose what goes on in the mind of this abcpastor

this may be a bit ambitious or even naiive but i do hope that through the posts we can bring together different faith communities, passions for the advancement of the Gospel and the equipping of the body of Christ.

if you are an abc pastor or have any suggestions or would like to contribute to make this space evolve, just comment.

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