30 and uninspired

the moody symphonic orchestra :: performing jesus, friend of sinners ::  3.13.2005

30& uninspired ::

it has been one of those days and times when i get serious about life. what am i doing? what have i done lately? i could be doing more. insane. there’s this nagging sense of urgency that i contend with internally. time slips through my fingers as they just tap tap away idly waiting for something to do. somthing to happen. sometimes i’m a little boy that just doesn’t care about anything else in this world or to anything ‘cept to play and waste away. and i push. just keep pushing. so maybe it’s a way of not wanting to deal with the past or the future, but to just get lost in the present — to stretch now into forever.

damn. i’m reminded — i’m only human. flesh and blood i’m made. bound by time. prone to make mistakes.
i’m really selfish.
do i really care about the world? bout people? bout my family?
maybe you’re like me. you drink out of the carton. you think everyone else on the road is a moron. i want things now not later. i want to be liked.

forget usher. these are my confessions.
when does life start?  in the lowest moments at a place deep inside. when you strip everything away and realize there’s nothing but an emptiness that leaves you nauseous. let it come out.
oh and i’m bleeding too. i’ve tried to do things to make my life better. i decorate the house but the demons return. i get my teeth kicked in. bandaids can’t cover the wounds anymore. now i’ve gotten my ass kicked so many times over, i’m numb.

no it must stop. i must die to live.

own the moment. scream. kick. shout.
but tell the truth. pay the price.

i think that i would like to stay silent, quiet for awhile. just hush. quit talking. less sinning to abound. but that’s a lie. i may not like the sound of my own voice but i love to talk. i live mainly in the moment. i’m selfish with my moments, like an addict. but not so much with my life.
half my natural life is over. sometimes i think i’m something special. o God help me. it’s my soul that is at stake.

what does it take to finish well?
no apologies.

*** i translate myself through others best.

“Sing with me, sing for the year / Sing for the laughter, sing for the tear / Sing with me,just for todayMaybe tomorrow, the good Lord will take you away” ~ Aerosmith

“I’m sick of Bono — and I am Bono!” he says. “But this is our moment, and let’s see what we can do. I’m just trying to get value out of my life.” – Bono on his new clothing line, edun

the good dr stan grenz passed away this weekend. our emerging community is saddened by the news. his written works have influenced me and my perspectives of theology and community. there’s some quality people over in bc, canada. vancouver is one of my most favorite places in the world. i would live there. sometimes i wonder perhaps i should have gone to regent. i never met him. but reading what others wrote about him…he finished well. ++++++

excess fat :: 03.12:2005

post inspired by real live preacher and others ++++++ thank you


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[american born chinese pastor]
seeks to be that third place for those who are american born chinese [abc] in ministry.
here we may explore issues unique to the chinese church and doing ministry in that context
expand the intersection of asian american culture and christian faith
or simply expose what goes on in the mind of this abcpastor

this may be a bit ambitious or even naiive but i do hope that through the posts we can bring together different faith communities, passions for the advancement of the Gospel and the equipping of the body of Christ.

if you are an abc pastor or have any suggestions or would like to contribute to make this space evolve, just comment.


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